And wow. While watching this I realized that the reason my life is the way it is today is because of how I looked at my self and how I looked at being vulnerable.
Growing up I was always the the listener. Not that anything is wrong with listening, but I thought I had to be the rock--the psychiatrist who could look at something objectively and find a solution for my patient. No one taught me this I just took the roll on as an advise giver.
The problem with me always giving advice to my peers (and occasionally the adults in my life) is that I thought I couldn't show weakness and that I needed to deal with all of my problems on my own. This led to numerous volcanic eruptions, that my mother probably did not appreciate, over little thinks that were just the straw that broke the camel's back.
I wanted to be strong and hold it all together. I never allowed myself to be vulnerable, when it happened it was simply accident that I couldn't stop. I also did not have very high self esteem, I took all the childhood taunts and middle school exclusions as the world's way of telling me that I did not deserve love. I wasn't pretty enough, cool enough, thin enough. The only two thinks I thought I had going for me was being smart enough and religious enough (and that doesn't go very far in a junior high school) and so I dove very far into those realms giving myself little to no life outside of them.
I was paranoid. Because I didn't believe I was worthy of love, even though I craved it, I always dismissed signs of love and latched onto the signs of abandonment and hurt.
As I got older I functioned slightly better with it, but the fear of being vulnerable and the low self esteem were still very much apart of my life through high school. This led to me seeking love in all the wrong places, investing in dangerous friendships and seeking love from men half way across the world (because they couldn't hurt me right?). The path was destructive to my self esteem in so many ways.
It didn't stop being like this through my first year of college until finally I was fed up with the life I had been wallowing in. I didn't want paranoia and guilt breathing down my neck. I didn't want to be a love hungry girl who couldn't take off her love goggles until the break up. I wanted to have fulfillment in my life.
I went for a walk.
I was sick of allowing myself to be defined by men, stereotypes, religion, politics. I was sick of labels. I took this walk to decide what I was for sure and what would define me as a human being.
The results of which are here on this blog on November the 5th 2011. The post simple reads:
I am a woman.
I am a writer.
I am a Christian.
I am a compassionate human being.
Nothing else will ever define me.
The third line was an addendum after I became a christian because that will define me forever but this is the outcome of that walk. I let all other names, labels and stigmas roll off me. In those three statements I found myself and I found my value.
I didn't see my self as unpopular, chubby, know-it-all, desperate, I saw the woman that was in me. A woman who deserved to be treated well. Who would not take less than that. Who could love others without fear but would never let that love strip her of her identity.
I saw that I was worthy of love.
I changed that night.
I started opening up more, not just on solemn occasions with ones I trusted, but candidly, with those who I felt would benefit from my words, with anyone who wanted to see that side of me. I became an open book.
I became vulnerable.
And my life has been different ever since.
Carly
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