Sometimes Ambition Gets in the Way

Clocks slay time... time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life.
William Faulkner

I would have to agree whole-heartedly with that one. The more I get locked down with earthly things and to do lists and schedules the less I engage with God and truly enjoy His presence.

I often think, in more quiet moments, that the downfall to my relationship with God is more often time and self reliance than what some would think as "sin".

self-suf·fi·cient

 [self-suh-fish-uhnt, self-]adjective

1.able to supply one's own or its own needs without external assistance.

2.having extreme confidence in one's own resources, powers ect.

Hmmm what do we know about our human condition? We can't supply ourselves with our own needs. We just can't. We need God to step in. So why is it my tendency to try and do it alone?

Maybe because it is in my personality to be independent. Maybe it is my lot to try to push myself to be dependent on God and on others. I don't like relying on others. It agitates me. I would rather do the job myself and do it right than rely on someone else who might fail in my stead. 


Maybe that's it. I think God will fail me. Yet when I think about it I know He wont...but in the back of my mind I wonder if the path God has chosen for me is the one I want.


Trusting God was what kept me from becoming a christian in the first place and still it is a daily struggle. In my head it seems as if God and I are two Co-Captains on a soccer field that both want to lead the plays and have the ball. Yet, I'm the less experienced one, I'm the less knowledgeable one, I'm the insufficient one. So why can't I just trust Him that He will do what is right for me?


I just want my goals and dreams to come true so bad that I push God out of the way saying "I got this" because I'm afraid that if I let Him take control then He will lead me in another direction. So maybe it's my dreams...they get in the way sometimes. I mean, yes God gave us some of the desires of our hearts and He will use them to his glory but shouldn't He be our desire?


Shouldn't my greatest dream be God's glorification through me? Shouldn't my desires allign with the kingdom of heaven--searching without relief for those to harvest for God's kingdom--jumping for joy the moment one person is saved? Shouldn't that me greatest ambition and desire? I want it to be.


I want to be a tool in The Master's hands. I want to hear Him guiding me daily. I want to give up all that I am too him.


Maybe I should start looking at what is holding me back.


Carly